As I was walking on the treadmill at the gym this morning, it occurred to me that I never thought I would be at this weight. Earlier, when I looked in the full-size mirror in the locker room, I felt like those weren’t even my thighs, all lumpy and stretched. The me on the inside still thinks I weigh the 125 pounds I was at in my teen years and early twenties. When I think of myself in the future, I see myself as a fit and healthy woman. Not this. Definitely not this.
I remember when my boyfriend, 6’ tall and 200 pounds was losing weight last summer, and I felt so embarrassed when his weight became less than mine. I also felt that I was letting him down as he was doing all the things necessary to improve his life while I was doing nothing to improve my own. That, combined with an upcoming trip to the Bahamas, spurred my super-sized butt into action. In November, I gave up soda and junk food (my biggest weaknesses) and began walking.
In January, I splurged on myself and got myself a Fitbit, which really challenged me to get moving even more. I was able to take off about ten pounds just before the trip in mid-February. I felt much better and was able to completely enjoy the trip without any physical restrictions or feelings of weight-shame. However, I was still not feeling good about the way I looked or felt. After being dressed in little more than a swimsuit for an entire week, I came home with a strong desire to get fit and lose more weight.
I joined Weight Watchers and DietBet, which both helped me to lose about 8 more pounds, fairly easily. I was starting to feel really good, my clothes were getting loose, and my self-confidence seemed to be returning. I was actually looking forward to attending a wedding and getting a new dress that I felt good wearing. Bare arms were shown and selfies were taken.
And then it happened. I have no idea what “it” even was, but it happened. I just stopped doing everything that had been working. I didn’t do it consciously, but every day, I would just let myself skip the walks, or I’d allow just one soda that would easily turn into 2 or 3 more. I was back to eating out all the time. All of the good habits I had been forming over the previous 9 months were surrendered. As a result, here I am, back up those 9 pounds that I had lost. Without reason or explanation of what went wrong.
At this point, I figure I have two choices:
1) Continue on the path I’m on.
2) Pick myself up and move forward.
I choose #2! Now I just have to figure out WHAT it is that I’m going to do and how to make this time different than all those other times. I don’t want to take too long to decide exactly how to go forward, but I do want to take enough time to understand what I have going on emotionally that causes me to continually sabotage my weight loss efforts.
