I remember when my boyfriend, 6’ tall and 200 pounds was losing weight last summer, and I felt so embarrassed when his weight became less than mine. I also felt that I was letting him down as he was doing all the things necessary to improve his life while I was doing nothing to improve my own. That, combined with an upcoming trip to the Bahamas, spurred my super-sized butt into action. In November, I gave up soda and junk food (my biggest weaknesses) and began walking.

In January, I splurged on myself and got myself a Fitbit, which really challenged me to get moving even more. I was able to take off about ten pounds just before the trip in mid-February. I felt much better and was able to completely enjoy the trip without any physical restrictions or feelings of weight-shame. However, I was still not feeling good about the way I looked or felt. After being dressed in little more than a swimsuit for an entire week, I came home with a strong desire to get fit and lose more weight.

I joined Weight Watchers and DietBet, which both helped me to lose about 8 more pounds, fairly easily. I was starting to feel really good, my clothes were getting loose, and my self-confidence seemed to be returning. I was actually looking forward to attending a wedding and getting a new dress that I felt good wearing. Bare arms were shown and selfies were taken.

And then it happened. I have no idea what “it” even was, but it happened. I just stopped doing everything that had been working. I didn’t do it consciously, but every day, I would just let myself skip the walks, or I’d allow just one soda that would easily turn into 2 or 3 more. I was back to eating out all the time. All of the good habits I had been forming over the previous 9 months were surrendered. As a result, here I am, back up those 9 pounds that I had lost. Without reason or explanation of what went wrong.

At this point, I figure I have two choices:
1) Continue on the path I’m on.
2) Pick myself up and move forward.

I choose #2! Now I just have to figure out WHAT it is that I’m going to do and how to make this time different than all those other times. I don’t want to take too long to decide exactly how to go forward, but I do want to take enough time to understand what I have going on emotionally that causes me to continually sabotage my weight loss efforts.

This last September, I faced a BIG fear of mine – driving in the mountains. Just to be clear, I’ve driven in the mountains before. However, I’ve done it on my own terms, at my own speed, and I’ve turned around to go back when I started to get uneasy and queasy. But this time, I was a passenger to a man who knows NO fear (aka Blaine).

We had been looking forward to this trip to Steamboat Springs, Colorado for a long time, and had picked out several “must do” activities during our stay. One of the items on our list of things to do while there was to visit the Strawberry Park Hot Springs. The park has several hot mineral springs that are approximately 104 degrees in temperature, and surrounded by a forest. He assured me that it would be something I would really love. I thought it sounded amazing and couldn’t wait to go. However, what he didn’t tell me was that the springs were located up the mountain, on low-maintenance roads, and only 4-wheel drive vehicles were allowed to make the trek to the Springs.

As we were climbing in elevation, there were several times that I almost chickened out and asked to go back into town. There were times that the road was so steep that I could no longer see it over the hood of the truck. And if another car happened to be going down at the same time as we were going up, there was a very small amount of space to pull over to let the other get past. My stomach was in knots the entire time. My fists and armpits were full of sweat. If Blaine would try to look at the scenery, or over at me to make sure I was ok, or reach over to comfort me, I would yell at him to keep his hands on the steering wheel and his eyes on the road. He was so good to me. He knew I was scared to death, so he drove extra slow, pulled off to the side a few times, and made sure that he didn’t go even one half of a mile over the posted speed limits. Even so, I was still scared to death.

When we finally reached our destination, my legs were weak and I felt pure exhaustion. It was even a challenge for me to walk my rubbery legs down the hill to the changing rooms. But as soon as I saw the Springs, all of those fears were forgotten. I’ve attached the video of the Springs, but no video or words can even begin to do explain how beautiful, relaxing, and peaceful it was. Even with other people enjoying the Springs, I felt that we were in our own little world. We immediately got into the water, and I honestly forgot about everything else. After soaking for a couple of hours, we climbed back into the truck to make our way back down the mountain. I’m not going to say I wasn’t still nervous and scared of the drive back down, but it was nothing in comparison the ride there.

On our drive back home a few days later, we talked about all the things we had done while on our trip. Interestingly, the trip to the Springs was my favorite experience. It was certainly not something I would have done in the past. It does make me feel regretful that I have missed out on so many amazing experiences due to my many fears, but also, so very thankful to have found someone I can trust and who seems to have limitless understanding and patience with me.

While I cannot change the things I’ve missed out on in the past, my goal going forward is to acknowledge my unfounded fears and take them on like my life depends on it. Because nobody goes to their grave saying, “I’m glad I played it safe.”